Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I think I can write about it now....

On Wednesday night, my dearest and oldest friend Preston came to my house for dinner. We had Pappa John's "all meat" pizza and watched TV. He and Mark laughed at CSI and the new drama with Mandy P. in it. We talked about Yule Dinner, and we talked about his house and how to stage it to sell. We talked about a lot of things and nothing at all.

On Thursday morning I came to work as usual. I got a call from another friend telling me to look at Preston's LiveJournal right away. It was a suicide note. I quote it below.

"In a moment, I'm going to shoot myself. This isn't a hoax or a prank.None of you could have stopped this, and the fault for it is mine and mine alone. No other person is responsible.The relationship I was in is over; I had a job that filled me with fear and loathing; I was stuck in a house that I couldn't get rid of for love or money. Therefore, the life I have is no longer desirable. I'm tired of making mistakes and being utterly incompetent when it comes to fixing them.You'll find the body in the master bathroom. Front door is unlocked.I'm sorry, everyone. Goodbye."

I ran from work like my hair was on fire. I had 911 on the phone as soon as I hit the car. I was down Poplar at 70 mph. But I was still too late.

His friend Troy arrived first, sparing me the horror of finding him. He was gone. He shot himself in the heart with a high powered rifle. In his bathtub, so it wouldn't leave a mess. He had put the dog in the cage, put a note on his bedroom door not to let the cat out, left his will and living will and notes for his parents and a list of phone numbers on the kitchen table. He had it all planned.

He had talked to friends the week before "just to say hi". He had made his will and signed it on Wednesday. He was working up to it, but because his friends were so scattered, we didn't know.

He was my little brother and my oldest friend. He was 29 years old - would turn 30 on October 29. I've known him for half his life. We met when I wrote in green crayon on a scrap of paper "life gets better when you let it" and gave him my phone number. We were a couple for a while, but a 3 year age difference seems much larger when it's the difference between 18 and 21. I had been thru it all before, and didn't want him to miss out on life because of me.

I love him more than I have words for. He and I held each other up for so long. He knew my soul like nobody else. He knew me as well as my husband. I'll miss him forever.


Blogger blackcat said...



5:41 PM  
Blogger Froggie said...

What a shock!
I am so sorry! (hugs)
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Take care

4:03 PM  
Blogger Patti said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I didn't know your friend but I am crying tears at the thought of him feeling so lost and alone and for you losing a friend in such a way. My prayers are with you and his family.

6:50 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home